Volume I, Issue I - 35,000 B.C. BASHWELL RECRUITS NEW SPOKESWOMAN "Bash 'em better with Bashwell," the familiar slogan of Bashwell Clubs and Accessories, will soon be the catchphrase of superstar athlete and cave personality Crudla, who signed a contract with Bashwell to be their new spokeswoman. "Bashwell make me bash good. Bash. Bash. Bash." explained Crudla, when asked why she finally agreed to endorse a product. Sources report that the promise of 100,000 rocks a year plus a lifetime supply of bashware might have had something to do with her decision. The endorsement should increase sales for Bashwell, particularly during this Ugh-lympic season, when club sales are expected to set new records as viewers get swept up in the bashing frenzy. To counter the publicity created by Crudla, Bashwell's major competitor, Smashflat, has gone to great lengths to ensure that the other athletes in this year's games will be carrying Smashflats into the clubbing event. In a special promotional release, Bashwell Clubs has made public their new major ad campaign which revolves around provocative footage of Crudla in slow-motion bashing. Critics claim that because of Bashwell's advertising, this year's Ugh-lympics has become little more than a promotional stage. CHAMPS TO BASH HEAD TO HEAD "Me bash him good," said Gronk when asked about his upcoming clubbing bout with heavyweight clubber Glunk. Spectators anxiously await the most talked about match in this year's games, which pits the two undefeated champions against each other for the first time. Elaborating on his strategy for the match, Gronk said he planned to grab the advantage early by using effective new intimidation techniques. Sources say that the key to Gronk's new technique is a combination of frightening and surprising facial expressions, along with the usual aggressive body postures. Gronk said he was fully aware that Glunk had scored many victories with his tricky "look-behind-you" pointing technique. In preparation for that, Gronk has had his entire cave clan continuously try to fool him with that trick for the past three months. As a further safeguard, Gronk has done head-shaking exercises non-stop. While relatives say it has been difficult carrying on a conversation with him, he now boasts quite an impressive response time. Asked to sum up the secret of his past successes in the clubbing arena, Gronk responded. "Gronk do big bash. Smash head. Make pancake. Gronk like pancake." Although Gronk is this year's favorite by a small margin, many rocks and bones have been bet on the undefeated clubber Glunk. Glunk grew up in the caves of the far east and is widely recognized as a master of subtle eastern techniques. Many of Glunk's defeated opponents claimed that he employs a mysterious, hypnotic rhythm in his intimidation technique that lulls them into an idiotic stupor. In an interview at his training camp at Rockridge, Glunk publicly denied the charges and asserted that his opponents were in no more of an idiotic stupor than he was. In accounting for his success, Flunk explained that he merely becomes one with what he bashes. Then, he simply bashes the oneness. In perfecting this philosophy, Glunk has put himself in the hospital on fourteen different occasions. When asked what he thought of his chances against Gronk, Glunk simply smiled and hit himself on the head. UGHA COOKS AT FIREMAKING TRIALS Ugha Ughovitch proved that his special wrist technique was everything it was rumored to be as he set a new firemaking speed record at the qualification trials last Tuesday. Unfortunately, Ugha set fire to himself, the judges, and half the audience on the way to his record. "We were just happy to get him out of the cave," said his parents in an interview with reporters. After nine solid years of practicing for this event, Ugha has few friends in his semi-nomadic tribe. In spite of this, Ugha claims to love the nomadic life. His only complaint is that the tribe always seems to move in the middle of the night without informing him. Some members of the tribe hinted that it is more than coincidence that they have been semi-nomadic for exactly nine years now. One tribe member, many years past, had suggested to Ugha that he approach his firemaking with slightly less zeal. In response to this, Ugha explained that he was an artist and could not compromise his art. He then proceeded to bash the tribe member senseless. Since then, no other tribe member has seen fit to criticize Ugha's enthusiasm. Ugha's toughest competition in this year's firemaking event is expected to be the dashing, charismatic caveman from down under, Thag "The Thag" Thag. While Ugha's wrist technique gives him the best stick-rubbing times, Thag incorporates an uncanny timing in his head bashing, which makes him a formidable opponent. In many of his bouts, Thag has been known to start right off with a head bash to incapacitate his opponent and establish an immediate advantage. Some sports analysts criticize this unorthodox style as risky and foolhardy, but so far, it has served Thag well. It has made Thag quite popular with the crowds, who always enjoy a good head bashing, regardless of the event. THREAT OF TERRORIST GORILLAS AT THIS YEAR'S GAMES Authorities believe that the atmosphere of friendly competition at this year's games may be marred by the violence of terrorist gorillas. Speculations on the possible motives of the terrorists range from simple demands for bananas to release of other gorillas being held at local zoos. One inside source has revealed that the leader of the terrorists, ex-circus gorilla Mitzi, has a secret passion for Gronk, and may be driven by love. LOCAL INVENTOR MAKES HISTORY Vincent Blug broke the record for most registered patents after he invented the wheel, the television, the refrigerator, and the power lawn mower last week. When asked whether or not he felt his inventions would have any social significance, Vincent replied, "Too early in man's history to tell." He stated that, with the exception of the power mower, he felt it likely that his inventions would be popular only as passing fads. In spite of this, orders have been pouring in already, and Vincent predicts that after electricity is invented his devices may become even more useful. In a demonstration for the press, Vincent explained the function of his most ingenious invention, the wheel. He showed how, when balanced just right, things could be placed on it. No longer will cavemankind have to put everything on the ground. Vincent said he is currently hard at work finding a solution to the problem of the wheels rolling away. In addition to being a gifted inventor and all-around brainy guy, Vincent considers himself something of an athlete. He had competed regularly in the last several Ugh-lympics. His performance, however, has been somewhat less than superlative, as he has placed last in every event he has entered. Vincent remains convinced, nevertheless, that a complete dislike for physical exertion and a total athletic incompetence shouldn't effect his chances at a medal in this year's games. TIRED OF ALMOST BEING EATEN? Then it's time to try NUNK'S RUNNING SANDALS. Guaranteed to give you that extra bit of traction at that crucial moment. We're so sure that our shoes will work for you, if they don't keep you from getting your head bitten off by a slobbering Sabertooth, we'll give double your rocks back. THAT'S RIGHT DOUBLE YOUR ROCKS BACK! GET YOUR NUNK'S RUNNING SANDALS AT NUNK'S CAVE TODAY. TOP ATHLETE TELLS ALL Crudla "Poetry in Motion" Derg, one of this year's top competitors, is known as a woman of many talents. In addition to being the perfect picture of athletic grace, Crudla has also established a reputation as an author capable of lucid insight, cutting wit, and delicate charm. In her latest book, Crudla tells the story of how, as a young cavegirl, she first came to appreciate her special talents. With a wry and almost sardonic sense of humor, Crudla looks back on her early years in her autobiography, "Bash Bash Crudla Bash." Following is a short excerpt from the book to be published later this year. Crudla born. Crudla want food. Bash. Bash. Bash. Crudla want food now. Ahhh. Yum. Yum. Crudla happy. Crudla have pet kitty. Bash. Bash. Bash. Oops. Crudla sad. Crudla want more food. Crudla want now. No food? Crudla angry. Bash. Bash. Bash. Crudla go. Find food. Crudla fall off cliff. Land on head. Fun game. Crudla like. Crudla do again. Bash. Bash. Bash. Fun. Fun. The book is expected to be out in stoneback cover later this year. Crudla anticipates a book signing tour once the Ugh-lympics are over. PERSONALS I'm looking for a special cavelady. Are you squat and heavyset, with a prognathous jaw and incredibly low IQ? Do you enjoy ritual dancing, cavepainting, and smashing things with large, heavy objects? Are you just verging on sentience? If this describes you, I may be the Cro-Magnon man you've been looking for. I enjoy eating things, walking upright, and making loud noises. I'm good at hunting and gathering as well as making fire. My friends tell me I have exceptional cranial capacity. If you'd like to be evolved in a special relationship, drop me a line. Blunk, P.O. Rock 0004 New Rock, New Rock You redhead standing by big rock yesterday? Me think you real pretty, but too shy to bash you at first sight. I got big cave, fast dino, earn big rocks. Meet you at tar pit today at sunset. Maybe we take walk in dark, pull hair, bash some too if you like. Me want woman. Derg, P.O. Rock 0001, North INTIMIDATION LESSONS Let our staff of experienced intimidators show you how to intimidate effectively. We have specialists in scary and unexpected faces, as well as frightening postures and imposing stances. Let our team of experts show you how to get the most out of your grunting. Amble in today for a free cosultation. The Intimidation Professionals-- 1111 Big Cave by River HELP WANTED Space aliens seeking primitive people to build large, obscure objects in inaccessible regions. Previous experience in drawing mile-wide spiders and stickmen a definite plus. Anyone interested should meet at the top of the hill tonight at midnight. Ask for Snyxbrkazyd. OBITUARIES Blerg, Donk, Gunk, Fek, Burnk, and 14,000 died last Wednesday in the approaching ice age. Due to a lack of language, family members had little to say. Blog Blog, the oldest known caveman, died yesterday the incredible age of 38. In an interview just before his death, when asked how he managed to live so long, Blog replied "Not die." (C) 1988 Electronic Arts. Do not use without permission.